her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Please don't give away my fajitas
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
