You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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