Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
