apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
