Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My pussy is not your playground.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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