i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
