I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
