I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize