I'm eating all of the evidence.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
