bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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