i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
