im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
