Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
