i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
