I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
