Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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