I think I won the penis lottery.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
