Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
