I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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