It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
