I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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