her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
