I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
