allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
she peed on how many people?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
