I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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