On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
