I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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