She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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