don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
