Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
