Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
