69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
