I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
