Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
