Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
