So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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