apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
