and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Let's paint friendship bongs
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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