Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
