I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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