my phone needs a breathalizer
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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