Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
