Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
