Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Randomize
