he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
