just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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