I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Actions speak louder than pants.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
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