Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
there is puke in my bra ... again
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize