so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
