I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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