I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
He passed out mid-signature
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize
