the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
