The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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