The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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