Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
