I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
