I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
