My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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