I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
