Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
